Stories of Strength:
Mary Dispenza
Healing the broken places
BELLEVUE, WA – After 45 years of repressing what happened to her as a 7-year-old in her parish school gymnasium at the hands of a priest, Mary Dispenza began a journey of healing and discovery. Ultimately it led her to her true calling: to bring love to the table and share it with others. Though her journey was fraught with sacrifice, Mary likens the odyssey to a saying from scripture, “To find your life, you must lose your life.”
It wasn’t until 1992, when Mary was a newly appointed Director of Parish Life Services in the Seattle archdiocese that she had her first awakening. She describes it as, “The egg cracked open and everything came rushing back.” Mary was attending a mandatory training on the misconduct of clergy and sexual abuse. As she listened, Mary suddenly realized with a shock that she was one of the hundreds of children raped and abused by parish priests.
Mary grew up in east Los Angeles, a Mexican American community. Her young parents sent her and her brother, Nickie, to a Catholic school for a better education. They believed she would be cared for and safe. Her mother drove the school bus and worked in the rectory to help pay for their tuition.
One lunch time while in second grade, Mary went looking for her Mom. She was in the lunchroom talking to her female colleagues. Mary, bored with the chatting, wandered into the adjoining school auditorium. She had never seen it so dark with so many chairs in a row. It was movie day. She was intrigued by the spinning wheels of the projector, the whirring sound and the light emanating from it. As Mary approached, she saw him, the priest, running the projector. He called her to climb onto his lap. She did because, in her mind, he was God. Until he wasn’t and reached his hands under her uniform skirt and digitally raped her.
“I was too little to know what was happening, but I knew it was something bad,” Mary said. “I saw myself as splitting in two that day, leaving little Mary behind. Everything stopped.”
After the first assault, the abuse continued Mary says she dealt with it by leaving a large part of herself behind in the tiny bathroom at the back of the school auditorium. She recalls washing her hands to feel clean.
Mary survived the next 10 school years by dissociating and immersing herself in school activities. Then, after high school graduation she entered the convent and was there for 15 years as a teacher and National Distinguished Principal. All told, Mary dedicated over half a lifetime to working for the Catholic Church.
Suddenly at the age of 52, Mary realized that while she looked successful on the outside, inside she was not. Her betrayal by the same Church she loved was catching up with her. She began therapy with their full support.
During therapy, however, Mary experienced another kind of awakening too. As she worked to integrate her newfound memories, she began to face the fact that her deepest love and affection was for a woman. She mustered up the courage and came out in the workplace, believing that she “…was made in God’s image and likeness.” The archbishop was not very happy about this. The Seattle Times reported the event, and Mary was summarily fired.
All at once, Mary was unemployed and still struggling with the enormity of what had happened to her. Eventually, she called the police in LA to find out if any other women reported similar abuse by Fr. George Neville Rucker so she could offer support to them. Deputy Brown of the LAPD answered and told Mary that there were several on record and referred Mary to an attorney with national experience representing abuse survivors, John Manly.
Manly arranged for Mary to speak with The Los Angeles Times and invited a SNAP member, Joelle Casteix, to witness the interview. Unsure of what SNAP was at first, Mary thought it focused only on fighting the Catholic Church and didn’t want to be part of it. However, a SNAP board member, Barbara Dorris, helped her understand that SNAP was about protecting children and holding predators accountable, so she quickly signed up to help. Mary joined SNAP to make a difference, to speak out, to support survivors and to hold the Church accountable.
Mary became a SNAP leader some 20 years ago, serving on the SNAP Board for three years and running support groups for those abused by priests. Later she saw a need and started support groups for those abused by nuns. She knows the power of SNAP to save lives.
“We lose our voice and power in the face of abuse. We carry shame that is not ours. It belongs to the Catholic Church, priest predators and those who cover and protect them.”
Mary says. “I am grateful for SNAP. The world needs SNAP. Survivors need SNAP. I need SNAP.”
Years later, Mary went back to the bathroom in her parish elementary school and picked up little Mary. She added, “Until then I was split in two, and intimacy was not possible for me. Now I’m proud of how I love and that I love.”
Mary Dispenza lives with her wife, Mary Ann. Together for 33 years, they were married 12 years ago just after Marriage Equality passed into law and took effect in the state of Washington. They had a very long engagement!
